summer

After hearing that this IS going to be the last time seeing my grandmother,
instead of feeling sad and really down, I was rather excited to go to Korea.
Now I don't.
I don't want to leave anywhere.
I just want to stay in New York. Alone. In my studio. Drawing stuff that no one will ever see.

I am feeling depressed these days and I think that even though I really don't have much
memories with my grandma, she's my family and, that one thing, makes the whole difference.




+
I want to cut ties with several friends
I want to kill some of them (no joke) and I don't understand myself making another self within just to hang out with them + just to be "friends" with them. (and this is something I recently figured out, well, few days ago when a friend pointed it out for me)

When I told one of my "friends" that I needed someone to hear me out she just rattled at me saying that why don't my friends (the real ones) understand her, and why I don't help her out recover the lost relationship between them when I really just called her thinking she would understand my current situation.


I just couldn't hang up the phone.

I cried. She said she wanted her friends back (and it kinda sounded as if it were MY job) and that poor me, but her situation was more important. I didn't cry because of this, but because I realized I had no real friends left in New York.

What an idiot.
I should have cut every fucking emotion out since the beginning.