게을러졌다

I was reading Inside the Business of Illustration for a few hours

내가 고등학교때 갖고있던 그 욕망이랄까

I've lost it - 

일러스트레이션을 공부하고싶다는 목표도 흐려진채 옛날같이 매일 그림도 안그린다. 

매일 컴퓨터만 붙잡고 SNS만 한다. 자기전에 읽던 그 책들도, 지금은 아이폰이 되어버렸다. Facebook, twitter, cyworld, and even freshdirect. 

I couldn't find my own passion inside me any more.

I noticed I wasn't trying hard enough and I was getting lazier and lazier 

I've spent the whole day doing nothing just looking at the monitor for at least 9 hours.

What have I done,

What have I lost,

and what should I recover?

나에겐 주어진 시간이 얼마 없는데.

My life as a student is barely 2 more years

but I haven't done anything useful

useful enough to put up a portfolio nor to write it down in my resume.

All I have is a name and a birthday.

I don't have the luxury to be doing this anymore

but I'm lost.

I don't know where to begin with

I don't know what I should do to get better

I just know that I see myself as an illustrator in 5 years

but I don't know whether I'll survive in the market

nor whether I will be living in New York

I want to live in Brooklyn, have a studio shared with my friends,

have a drink or two in the weekends if time allows

and work DRAW PAINT 

It's my only joy

but why WHY the fuck have I lost it.